placeholder text until i make a proper header.

tbh im mainly just going to use this as like. an impersonal diary. yeeting my innermost thoughts to the void of the internet. idk im tired.

what've i been up to recently?

6/2/25

just did my first artfight attack of the 2025 season! BEHOLD:

thats a link btw ^ i genuinely cant tell if its obvious that its a link? but it is

sick, right? yeah i know it is. its cause 1) im awesome at making fun gifs, and 2) worms character designs are The Shit. anyway im not doing any more artfight attacks today because i. still have a shoulder injury haha (ow) and ive also got physical therapy later so like. yeah.

6/3/25

look at my cat. this is not a request

also do yall ever get nightmares about your literal worst possible fears? i got woken up at like 05:23 (5:23 AM) by a nightmare in which i was on an island, and id picked out a specific, single person house to stay in (it was an acnh style deserted island that had been turned into a vacation spot). but during my unpacking, a fuck-ton of sirens started going off, because there was going to be a tornado. my girlfriend (in the dream (star is actually a real person its just that theyve never been to an island resort like this IRL im pretty sure)) had been to this island, so i was going to DM them on discord to ask where the shelter-in-place locations were, but i got interupeted by a bunch of small children bursting into the building (remember, single room/single person living space) and they were freaking out & crying cause they thought they were gonna die, and they wanted to know if this house (the closest building to where theyd been out playing) was safe to shelter in. i told them honestly that i didnt know, and then ran outside while desperately trying to call star to ask them if we would be safe. i think they were at work though, because the call wasnt going through. it was starting to rain really hard and i was outside and freaking out and i remember my friend avery asking what was going on because she was in the same discord chat that id been trying to get a hold of star through, but i never had time to answer her before suddenly - it was quiet. the rain had stopped. i looked up and saw the sky was still dark as coal, but i couldnt see any tornadoes. but i Felt the wind. it flung me backwards and maybe even upwards. i squeezed my eyes shut just seconds before i suddenly. was no longer. on. the ground. it was loud, the wind flung me to-and-fro, and i didnt want to open my eyes. i hoped that maybe, i was close enough to the ground to get my feet under myself, so i kicked out in a panic and. felt. nothing. in total fear and a distinct feeling of loss, i then woke up.

and i know, now that im awake, that none of that was real. i didnt die alone in the sky like some kind of tiny insect, because it was a dream. i didnt fail those kids and they didnt die either, because they werent real. there was no tornado hitting a deserted island resort, because in real life, it would have been a hurricane, and the island would have been much more well constructed and prepared for such an event. but the fear still lingers.

i wonder if the nightmare was triggered by the fact that im going on a roadtrip this weekend, coupled with the bad weather thats supposed to hit while mom'll be driving (i wont be driving. im not allowed to drive right now, even though i have a lisence. its not safe because i keep having what we (my doctor, my mom, and myself) THINK are absence seizures and thats not something you want to happen when youre behind the wheel of a 1 to 2 ton metal death trap. can you tell that driving is also a thing im afraid of) and add on top of that my life long phobia of storms + natural disasters, and i guess you get this clusterfuck of a nightmare.

i have a lot of fears. im a naturally cowardly person, i guess. i hope maybe one day i might be able to mitigate it better though. i did take some anxiety meds for a short while because we were testing if they would work for my ADHD (they didnt) and i actually felt less scared and nervous all the time while i was on them. it was a low dose, i think, but it could be benefical to me in the long run if i took something like that. ill bring it up with my psychiatrist if i remember by my next appointment, lol. also if youre like "oh nova you take medication for your adhd?? thats cheating, oh and do you really want to be on meds for the rest of your life???" well first of all yes i take adhd meds, because i have adhd and id like to be able to function like a normal person, thank you very much. and second of all im gonna be on meds for the rest of my life no matter what because if i even so much as go outside before i take my allergy meds in the morning, i will feel like ive been hit by a semi-truck full of pollen and animal dander. also im mildly allergic to my favorite animal (cats) and its not like im gonna like, NOT interact with my life-long special interest. so yes i do want to be on medication for the rest of my life, because that means theres a lot more of my life left to live (AWESOME!!!!) and i will get to live it happily and productively. i like being productive it makes me feel so good - esspecially since ive been struggling with executive dysfuntion from my (previously) unmedicated ADHD my intire life. anyway this was a long ramble & now im done talking. for now.

updated as of 06:57 (6:67 AM) July 3rd, 2025